The Bimanual Exam
This party’s not over yet. Oh no, Baby! It can’t jump off until an internal vaginal exam is performed.
“With a gloved hand s/he will insert 2 fingers into the vagina and with the other hand on top of your abdomen will feel your uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries. S/he is feeling the size, shape and position of the uterus and whether there is any tenderness or swelling [which may indicate that fibroids, cysts or tumors are present]. Again, some pressure is felt here and you may experience the sensation of having to urinate…” (See source below. Words in [ ] added by me.)
Urinating… Really? That was the least of my concerns. I was so worried that I was going to pass gas… Break Wind… BLOW ONE OUT OF THE WHOLE! – right in my Doc’s face. “Help me Lord!” I thought to myself. “You wouldn’t let me do that, right?” (I wonder if that’s happened to her before.)
–The Rectal Exam
(Now, don’t go gettin’ your panties in a bunch, if I explained everything else so far I might as well go all the way.)
I thought it might be coming, but I rationalized that if I didn’t think about it I wouldn’t have to experience it. (Bad reasoning, Tiff; just plain bad.)
Here’s a description…
“Your provider will sometimes perform a rectal exam, again with a gloved finger to feel if there are any tears or any weakness in the muscles that separate the rectum and the vagina.”
This has got to be like the part of the party when Jesus turned the water into wine, gynecologically speaking, that is. He saved the best for last, and my exam was no different. (Ah, womanhood… Pure Bliss!)
Oh, Lord, I’m so glad that I’m a woman! Twirling, cute heels, pap smears and rectal exams make my world go ’round! Why only once a year, Lord? Why?
It truly was a blessed day to be remembered. (And you thought I was forgetting to go on my birthday for no apparent reason.)
All quotes are from the Brown University Health Education website. Go check it out! (And remember to schedule and keep your annual appointment.)